feel free to look at all the crap i have written but for new crap see the new site!

But there are those movies that when your channel surfing that you have to stop and watch be it just starting or just finishing. These are the classics that ultimately make up your personality as you grow and NEVER get old.  For each person or each family rather, this list differs. This could also just be a side effect from a father who loves to watch the same movie over and over and over until we yell at him because I can quote the first half and would continue to do so until he finally turns the channel. VICTORY IS MINE!  If you’re in my family the list is as follows:

• Pretty Woman: this is a wonderful movie… what more could ANYONE asks for man or woman? Its Julia Roberts (1 pt men/ 1 pt women) who plays a hooker (5 pts men/ 0 pts women) who gets pulled off the street by Richard Gere (0 pts men/ 5 pts women) along with becoming a lady and a hot sex scene on a piano ( 1 pt men/ 1 pt women) who ultimately gives up with bachelor ways to be her white knight and her his princess… all this from a movie where one of the most beautiful women in the world talks about condoms for 5 minutes and has a hard time eating snails.
• Shaw shank Redemption: I’m in the middle of writing a thesis that concludes that anything Morgan Freeman narrates should automatically go on this list. There is nothing like a good man who is falsely incriminated and thus put thru a lifetime of hell only to swim thru  5 football fields of human shit to reach freedom and “stick it to the man” literally to make you think…. I want to leave a message to my best friend at the end of a wall under an oak tree…
• Pretty in Pink: Molly Ringwald. I’m not a brat pack child but I do remember being forced to watch this by my older sister. And as I got older I began to appreciate molly and her weird little friend duckie, and wishing every time I watch it that she will NOT create her own prom dress that looks like a patchwork quilt, but she does…. And that’s sad.
• Dirty Dancing: Nobody puts baby in the corner…… that’s all I really watch this movie for. That one ridiculous line. #1 if a man were to say that to MY father… he would find himself in the ICU, and #2 young Patrick (RIP) was a hotty… and  Jenifer Gray ( Baby) well she just shouldn’t have had that nose job.
• Fried green Tomatoes: TOOOO WANDA!!!!… Makes me think of my mother.  Because she’s crazy. I don’t think most of you have seen this… it’s a middle age woman’s cult classic. Sadly I found my younger Anna B identifying with Itchdy Threadgood, nothin’ but a bee charmer who always had a story in the back of her pocket that made you laugh and think.
• ANY of the national lampoon’s “vacation”: in particular “Christmas vacation” why…. Because this is MY family. And it’s not really the holidays until we watch it together…. Why….. Because we are crazy.
• While you were sleeping: much like Morgan Freeman my second thesis is that anything that is a romantic comedy that stars Sandra Bullock should really be on this list. This is Sandra Pre- Speed…. I think. By her hair I think I’m right. This is traditionally a Christmas movie but I will watch it all year round and YES this is a chick flick!  HOW freaking romantic is it that she’s just a totally teller who falls for a man who she never speaks only to save him from a mugging, only to be mistaken as his fiancée! Only to be adopted by his family only to fall in love with his brother!!!!  With a classic happy ever after…. I LOVE!
• The Birdcage: Homosexual amazingness! Flamboyant magistery!  One must have a hint of color, where am I going? Cross dressing gays acting straight wonderfulness! This is the movie I believe I quote the most. And that’s just because Nathan Lane’s character Albert is in a nut shell … my mother.  And I’m the biggest HAG out there so it just works.
• Fight Club: even though I still gag at stealing human fat to make soap I love this movie. To me it was a real mind fuck.
• Forest Gump: I think we all have a little forest inside us…. We all might be just sitting at a bus stop talking about our first set of shoes…. What is even sadder (and my sister likes to point this out) is that I really did have forest Gump like “magic shoes” because I was pidgin toed.

This is really only the tip of the iceberg of shit that makes me… well…. Me. I’m 10000% positive that there are great movies that I have missed completely but after all this is just a blog and I don’t think you want to read the entire International Movies Database.  So next time your channel surfing and you run across one of my list…. I bet you, you stop, because if these are the movies and make me, me…. who knows what they are going to do to you….

But at least in Hicksville there wasn’t a line…. But still the one child who had worms and couldn’t sit still managed to find the seat next to me… I don’t know how this happened.  I think I have an annoying child perfume… maybe I smell like peter pan… like a thousand summers. ALL I KNOW is that I was never like that…. So they call my number and I walk on up there to a man who obviously hates his life WHO is IGNORING ME!!! To have a conversation about a turkey sandwich to the Asian lady in the next booth…. Sir I have waited patiently thru a sea of Mexicans and red necks, people with pink hair and missing teeth… and a child infested with worms and you can’t stop talking about your turkey sandwich to the Asian lady who doesn’t eat anything but rice and raw fish anyway!!! So finally he looks at me and I say “I would like to pay for my tags and have you sign off on a parking ticket.” I hand him paperwork…. He looks at the parking ticket that says “verified by DMV sign here with DMV stamp”. And hands it back and says we don’t do this here…. Irritated from the moment I step up to the desk I say well I am buying my tags and you are the DMV so if you will just sign the paper and stamp it with your stamp there I will get out of your hair so you can continue to talk about your turkey sandwich…. I didn’t say this last part….I know better than that… you fuck with the DMV and they will put a bankruptcy or two on your record!! But I did ask that he ask a supervisor to sign it so that it saves my trip to see a cop…. And I swear to god and all that’s holy I have never seen a white man give me black woman sass before but hell if I didn’t see it today! The eye roll, the paper snatch…. All that was missing was a bad weave, and 4 inch long acrylic nails with rhinestones…. “Here he says” and tosses the paper back at me… that’s right…. Who is my DMV bitch…. You are….

I hate the DMV… I never really wanted to get my drivers license to start with. But I was 17 and going away to college and my mom thought that it would be best I hated every minute of it…. Maybe I should back up a little bit…. I got my permit and passed the written test with flying colors. But being the sly dog that I am I let my permit expire and had to go back 6 months later…. Where I failed my written test… because I didn’t study… b/c I know this shit….. Then I had to wait 2 weeks to take it again…. Unfortunately I passed and then took the behind the wheel…. Now I know this is a rite of passage and everyone has their stories… but I think it’s best to tell you my story because I got my license out of default…. See everyone gives you hints and suggestions so that you pass … One of the many such suggestions was to not speed…. So instead of being safe and driving 5 MPH under the limit I went 10 MPH under…. Apparently that’s when I become a traffic hazard ranked right up there with the old ladies who brake for pidgins…. Maybe I need to back up even farther…. I was told by all my friends…. You don’t want the fat black lady to be your behind the wheel tester! so as I’m sitting in my fire red VW beetle what do I see…. A big Ol’ black lady….. I started off bad…. A rolling stop…. Then I drove like Grandma Moses. Then I rolling stopped again…. And turned left when she said turn right because I’m dyslexic… then I parked…. “ I’m sorry, you failed you can try again in 2 weeks”  the only issue was that I had let my second permit run down to the point where I only had 1 week left…. Which meant that I had to go back and take the written test again then take the behind the wheel…. This is exactly what happened…. So on my 3^rd permit and second behind the wheel I’m sitting there in the fire red bug… and what do I see…. The big Ol’ black lady…. She smiles and says “let’s try again” …. Mean!!! But as I drive away with my windows down a big bee fly’s in…. and she starts SCREAMING!!!  And I don’t know what the fuck is going on she’s just flailing her arms about screaming like the cars is on fire and about how she’s allergic!! So I calmly pull over. and what does she do she takes her clip bored and squishes this huge bee on my very clean, very new, very white fabric interior ceilings…. When she realizes what she has done she turns beat red and tells me to go back to the DMV…. I think GREAT I failed again because of a fucking BEE! But as we pull into the DMV she looks at me and smiles and says” DON’T TELL ANYONE!!” And hands me my test sheet…. With a big red “PASSED” on the top….. Like I said…. Default.

Women…. Not so much. And they have this thing… where they must being their shopping cart with them! Even if there isn’t anything in it! They just have to have their little basket right there just in the wrong spot so that it makes it really hard for everyone else who want to shop and hard for me to maneuver about to show people where everything is or to put out more product for that matter! One lady today even saw that her shopping cart was caught on some flowers in a bucket of water and instead of stopping and moving her cart; she proceeded to push on thru causing a chain reaction of falling buckets filled with water and flowers to go EVERYWHERE…. Where customers including the STUPID BITCH who dumped it over continued to walk thru! And she didn’t even STOP to tell me that she spilled the water, I didn’t know until an older man said Miss (he called me Miss… that was the highlight of my day b/c usually people call me MAME and I’m really not that old!) there is some water on the floor….

So I walk over thinking it’s a little spill… I was wrong it was a Niagara Falls off water puddles. It looks like the Hoover dam ripped open at the seams, or like a giant race horse stopped long enough to take a big piss all over my department! So obviously my little paper towel isn’t going to be enough. So I call over to my second… who I genuinely like as a person. She’s sweet. And when it’s not a holiday her absentmindedness doesn’t get to me quite as much….. But today…. Today wasn’t the day to show me your blonde roots. So I call my second…. And I say second! We need a mop before the water spreads to Texas! And she goes “um okay… where those are again?”…….. Mind you she’s been working for me since thanksgiving….. so I say just go get a bagger to get a mop over here tell them there is a huge wet cleanup in floral…. “Okay… tell who?”….. a bagger I say trying to remain calm… trying not to snap at her, trying to resist the urge to grab her shoulders and shake her about like a madwoman hoping that when I stop the little chunks of her brain would settle in a smarter position then before…. “ a bagger… okay” so she disappears and all I’m left with is myself… 6 bitchy ass customers who can’t read the signs (ill get to that in a minute) and a roll of heave duty paper towels, and the black sea that is my water spill…. Picking up the water slowly but surely it takes 20 minutes for my second to come back. Where’s the mop I ask…. She says “oh! They didn’t being it!” “NO! Where were you!” I snap. “Oh I took a potty brake” she says to me with a smile. Picking up the pile of sopping wet paper towels I walk past her anger and frustration pricking at the back of my neck…. If I ignore her maybe she will stop talking…. And wasn’t that her 8^th “potty brake”? I understand when you get older things don’t hold water quite as well as they should… but this is a 5 star, 4 alarm holiday from hell…. Invest in DEPENDS!

Some days I have to try harder to be a good person. Today is one of those days. I’m not mad because I’m not a mom…. I’m glad I’m not a mom. My vagina is still intact and I can go to Disneyland whenever I please.  I’m not angry because the front end of the store keeps calling one of my helpers to check… on my dime. Although I should be… but don’t worry I’m keeping a VERY VERY accurate account of where my people where when I don’t make my sales projection.  I’m not mad that 4 out of the 5 days I have had to really prep for this holiday have resulted in spending 75% of the day  copping a load because some asshole in a fancy suit in corporate said “want to see something funny as fuck! Lets split up her load sending her the wrong things on the wrong days so her production can be all back-ass-wards!”….. I guess I don’t really know why I’m angry. I’m angry at the world my mom always tells me. She said I have always been that way. That I came out of her and was pissed I was forced to leave my resting place, then growing up I was pissed that I was forced to clean my room. Or share with my sisters, she says I was pissed when I had to get a job, and pissed when I saw my uniform for the first time… she says I was pissed because I had to wait till I was 18 to fall in love, and pissed when I realized that it was always going to be a struggle. My mom says that I have an old soul. That I was born older. So that naturally I don’t fit right into the world of today. That one day when life slows down, and people catch up to where my soul has been this whole time I will be happy…. And the years I spent being pissed will melt away as though it never happened. Days like today make me ache for my future.  I ache for the day I get to wheel that crazy bitch who yells at me for not having mixed color bunches of roses, into a little white room where her family will never visit because they hate her. I ache for the day I can quit my current job, I ache for the day when I can FINALLY have a holiday off!  So I can go black Friday shopping or hunt for Easter eggs, or count down until midnight! Throw my bra… I mean hat off and WISH that the New Year will be a better one.  Some days I have to try to be a good person… today was one of those days.

Its 4 days until mother’s day. The biggest holiday of the year for me. and while I know I’m prepared and got my head on straight unlike last year with my world crashing down around me, somehow I still feel unprepared…. Like I’m getting ready to make a speech but I forgot my pants.  So this feeling… that’s never wrong mind you is causing me to second guess everything. Taking up even more of my mind space. And I feel bad you know… b/c I don’t mean to be a bitch… at least not to my helpers. It’s not their fault if they don’t know where things go or how to do things. And I think maybe I need to work on my communication… which is obvious because let’s face it I have anger issues.  Like my favorite clerk was telling me about an upcoming surgery. And it’s a major thing! I know this; this is something she feels is important and something that should be important. And it is!! And I kept interrupting her story to talk about floral box crates. Because that was my priority…. Because I’m a heartless bitch.

Then there was this lady. She wanted an “off white orchid with a magenta center with yellow dots in the mouth of the stamen”… ok…. We have one here lady…. Oh it’s not good enough for you…. theres a a dirt spot on the leaf…. Well it is a potted plant its on dirt… sometimes that happeneds…. Oh still not good ok and now you want me to call 6 stores…. 6…… um ok… it’s not like I’m doing anything…. But I swear to god finding another person within the “retail grocery store” that knows what a STAMEN is or the color magenta if like asking a blind man if these jeans make me look fat, and if the color is more of a sunset or a mustard…. Finally about the 3^rd store I started pushing random numbers on the phone and pretending to talk to people… amazingly enough…. No one had the plant she was looking for!!! So she finally decided to take the one we had…. Oh but I’m sorry our register is closed during mother’s day prep! But they can ring you up at any of the check stands at the front of the store!  Have a nice day!

There are some people…. Who shall remain nameless…. Who bring in their ugly ass children, and insist that everyone fawn over them. Ok NUMBER ONE: your child is hideous. You should have shoved it back into your wide open vagina and made it cook a little longer. NUMBER TWO: no….no I don’t want a picture of your rosemary’s baby.  Like I said that shits ugly. And don’t say it’s a growth spurt. Call it like it is…. You and your man have incompatible genetics; I’m surprised that you didn’t pop out a tamrine monkey. ** GEEK ALERT** did you know that the tamrine monkeys were on the endangered species list for years, they just refused to reproduce in captivity! Turns out it was a lack of protein in their diet that was an easy fix by introducing house cat food as a weekly supplement. As a result the tamrines are no longer on the endangered list and thriving in the jungles of Borneo.  NUMBER THREE: maybe you should have eaten cat food….

I lived in laKKKeside for a few months last year. A large part of the reason why I moved was because I attract annoying children. Apparently there wasn’t one inbreed child who didn’t like to play in front of my # 122 unit. And is wasn’t just like oh let’s play cops and robbers it was WTF shit… shit like “let’s see who can scream the loudest and the longest” turns out I win…. But their parents didn’t like me yelling at their children… and didn’t like it even more when I turned them in for disrupting the peace. … My peace.  There were also the kids who would take pine cones and chuck them onto my slanted roof…. Just to see if they could catch it on the way down. … My solution…. I’m the one who caught it. Then I threw it at their slanted heads to see if I could catch it when it bounced back….

Now I live downtown. Better. The only noise I hear is airplanes…. Every 15 minutes. But its better then screaming kids… maybe they didn’t get my last memo…. BEAT YOUR CHILDREN…. IT’S GOOD FOR THEM!

I have these ADD moments…. Being that I am ADD but I had a really bad one today at work. I just stopped what I was doing and stared off into the distance…. It wasn’t until the older man asked me to stop staring that I realized that I was looking right at him…. But it wasn’t until he walked away with a limp did I REALIZE he had a prosthetic leg. That just made me feel like an asshole! And this time I DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING!!!

So yeah…. I thought I would come home. To steal internet from next door, go catatonic out my living room window, think about my shitty biological clock and why EVERYONE in my life is getting married and having kids but me…. what is it… is it my eyebrows? Is it my ass? It can’t be my boobs…. That was god’s gift to me.  I don’t know…. But I intend to sit here…. Until my cat throws up or something….. Your mom goes to college…..

Working in a grocery store I have seen my fair share of bratty kids. The ones who touch things that brake, the ones that run around and get lost the ones who scream for no reason… I was wondering…. If a child is screaming… and there is no really good reason why they are screaming… can I just run up to them and start making the exact screaming noise in their face? Just run up flailing my hands wildly about screaming like a banchee.  I bet you $20 they would stop.  See I don’t know what happened…. When I was a kid oh brother….. You didn’t pull that shit. My sisters and I knew! That if we stepped out of line we would get the shit beaten out of us. And it all started with “the look” you know that look your mom usually gave you when you’re picking on your sibling in the store… the one that says “you better fucking stop” but if you were anything like me you didn’t. then you would get “the arm grab” the one that was oh so subtle yet felt like you had tied your arm to a car bumper as it drove away… if you were with mom , and you were like me you could take one step further… the “arm yank back and rub” like she really hurt you. Then she would feel mildly bad and ignore you the rest of the shopping trip, pretending that if she acted like she didn’t know you people wouldn’t realize that the smartass that she breed into existence wasn’t biologically hers.

This tactic didn’t work with dad…. No….. With dad you best stop at the “glare” if you were an idiot or gluten for punishment …. Like me… you pulled stunts like “arm yank back and rub” …. And then dad would grab the back of your neck and say “you think that hurt… if you don’t knock it off right now I’ll give you something whine about”  I very rarely went beyond that with dad….  I’m not saying mom didn’t have her own wrath oh no and it got worse as we got older…. And so did she.  The “change” brought such anger from my mother that one might think she was possessed. Loving on us and laughing one moment then screaming and throwing books wildly about the next. I don’t think my mother is crazy. But I have no doubt in my mind that any trace evidence of insanity in the last 30 years is to be blamed on her 3 children.

We aren’t bad kids. On the contrary we are all good. Upstanding citizens (except in paying car tags) we all hold steady jobs. We don’t do drugs or smoke…. Although….. To be honest most of that has to do with the fear we have from our father…. I’m 24 and I’m scared to death of my father’s wrath.  I’m 24 and don’t EVEN LIVE AT HOME but still call everyday to tell them I’m home safe….. That’s not love…. That’s fear. Fear that if I don’t call the FBI will be tracing my last 30 phone calls, and interviewing my co workers.  Even when my older sister and I got in life threatening car accidents the first thing we thought when we came too was “DADS GONNA KILL ME!!”

I am mean though. At least to my sisters. I’m pretty sure I owe my little sister at least 4 years of therapy. But my big sister should chip in on that…. She was just as bad. But my little sister was the devil growing up, she did things like sprinkle baby powder all over my new boom box… yeah I said boom box, I was the shit.  She did things like carve HER NAME on HER bedroom door and blame me for it. And somehow with practice she knew when my father was not looking but in the room that if she threw her body like a sack of potatoes’ across the room and screamed OUCH!!! I was going to get hit… she even went so far as to scratch her arms up like I did it. Yeah she was evil.

My big sister though I don’t really remember why our fights started but they were more physical fist fights vs. the biological warfare of my younger sister. With my big sister maybe it was that we were closer in age or that I was a 6 year old that looked like a 13 year old that made a physical fight seem fairer. If I remember correctly I have broken her finger… and she has knocked out one of my baby teeth, and we have wrestled to the point of breaking a fixture in the bathroom and busting a hole in the wall….. Twice. As we got older the physical fights fell to the weigh side and we learned how to fight dirty…. With words.  They say you say the meanest things to the ones you love the most because you know they will always love you…. god I hope so….the best way to describe me and my older sister is two firecrackers in a porta-potty… its loud its messy and its really entertaining.

Mind you all of our fights were at home never in public. Never where mom or dad would be embarrassed. This brings me back to discipline. I know what a belt feels like on my ass. I know what soap tastes like in my mouth…. Fucking discussing (muahahah take that mom!)  I know that the best way for my parents to hurt me is to use the D word…… disappointed.  I hate that word. I can do the worst crap imaginable to my sisters, to my parents. I can cuss up a storm or fail all my classes and my parents can be mad, angry, and furious! they can hate me if they want but the MOMENT they say “ I’m just really disappointed in you” it’s like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! KRIPTONITE! IM MELTING!! IM MELTING OHHH WHAT A WORLD!!! I’ll feel small. Worthless. Like the piece of shit I always knew deep down that I was. Horrible. That’s how parents can know if they raised their kid right…. That’s the ultimate test.  Be mad be angry…. But if you want to know if you did right say the D word…. Watch your Childs world shatter…. WOW….. I’m so not ready to be a parent…. I just suggested people shatter their Childs world with one word….  On that note here are a few tips from the all knowing Anna B:

1)      Beat your child within reason and for a reason. There’s nothing wrong with it.

2)      Do not buy your kid a fucking balloon every time you go to the store… it’s not their birthday 3 times a week!

3)      Watch your child. I don’t mean put a leash on it, but make sure it doesn’t run away b/c that shits on you.

4)      You and your child don’t need to have matching outfits…. It’s bad enough when you get older and meet up for lunch only to discover that you, your two sisters and your mother all have the same color tops on.

5)      If your kid steals…. Make them bring it back. Make them cry make them be ashamed… then beat them. If they didn’t cry no…. sob….. They WILL do it again.

6)      If your kid insults you…. put that child back in its place. Nothing you gave birth to should ever make you feel inferior…. (note to self… call mom… apologies for being an asshole)

Being that I don’t have kids you can take my statements with a grain of salt. But heed my warning!!  Thou shalt not breed devil seed and sprinkle it about my grocery store…. Because I will make things in my department electrified! Including and not limited to my balloon wall, and my plush display.

Anna B’s definition of “skinny bitches”: GIRLS that….. Ok….. Let me back up, let me define the difference between Girls and Chicks.

I am a chick. I am a woman that prefers the company of guys because she can give a joke and take one too. I am the mama hen who no one fucks with. A chick is the person you and your friends say “Call _ (insert name) _, she’s awesome!”  We are low maintenance, thoughtful, usually artistic, and always funny.

A Girl is annoying, she is needy, she back stabs, she’s a snob and highly materialistic. She is the one where you and your friends say “…. Oh….._ (insert name) _, is going…. I think I’m busy” or “another word for _ (insert name) _, is village bicycle.” She is everything you can’t stand and more.

So back to the original definition “ skinny bitches” : a Girl, who usually wears brand name clothes and accessories… like a matching tote bag for her mini designer hybrid dog that shits like a rabbit, and looks down on others for not having the same “fashion sense”. She usually has a pair of Ugg boots for every other pair of jeans that equals more than half of her wardrobe. 87% of her wardrobe has glitter or rhinestones on it. She wears sunglasses bigger then her face, and thinks that MAC makeup was a special gift to her from Jesus himself. Oh and I forgot the most obvious thing… she’s a skinny bitch… I’m talkin she turns to the side and she disappears! I’m talking when I order chicken she orders a glass of water and an after dinner mint. To add insult to injury they usually aren’t smart…. But they think they are. This is actually kind of amusing, but ultimately sad. They say things like “did you know Yas backwards is say” or “OH MY GOD I love it after it rains!! Look at all the mildew on the grass”…..

I was forced by the bonds of love to go to Disneyland with a breed of skinny bitches. Actually they were the girlfriends of my boyfriend’s best friends. I don’t mind his guy friends. They are super sweet, and they seem to get my humor.  But I guess that doesn’t account for their taste in whore.  These bitches wore HIGH HEELS to Disneyland. With their skinny jeans and Dolce and Gabana diamond studded sunglasses that prohibited them from wanting to ride splash mountain. There was nothing that I liked about them.  But I was as always nice, and willing to answer any Disney question that they might have had…. My mistake. Because when I answered their questions one of the skinny bitches rolled her eyes and called me a freak…… I never thought I was going to say this but I thought I was gonna cut a ho at Disneyland. I then came down with a serious case of lockjaw. Nothing they said was going to evoke a response.

You know it’s not like I hate them because they were skinny….. Ok….. Maybe a little. But that’s not the main reason I hate skinny bitches, I hate them for what they represent! They are completely dependent on their boyfriends, unoriginal, clicky. I mean how hard is it to really look beyond the cover of a person to get to know them…. I’m sorry I buy target purses and drive an SUV that daddy didn’t buy me. I’m sorry that my fat ass can’t deal with high heels for longer than 3 hours without limping like I have a peg leg. I’m sorry that my eyesight is poor and I can’t afford goddy sunglasses with someone else’s initials on them….

You know what…. I’m not sorry.  I’m not sorry that I prefer to pay my own way, or only own 4 pairs of jeans. I’m not sorry that I don’t use my boyfriend and really love him and play people agents each other for personal gain.  I’m not sorry I LOVE hanging out with a bunch of guys who care less if my hair is in a ponytail and can’t wait to hear my next dick joke.  I’m not sorry that I have found a place that I can go to any time of the year that makes me feel like I’m 5 years old again. And one more thing I’m not sorry for….. I’m not sorry that on a perfect summer day I will grab my boyfriend/ my friend / my family, go to the nearest taco shop and buy the biggest plate of carne asada fries they have to offer and smother it in hot sauce and not worry about fitting into that bikini.

Hi my name is Anastasia Beverhousen and I am not a skinny bitch.

I got a ticket today…. While parked…. I got a parking ticket…. While I sat in my living room reading a book b/c that’s my only form of entertainment that is affordable…  first of all how fucking board does a cop have to be to wonder the streets looking for expired registration tags…. Wait maybe I should back up…..

Ever since I was 17 and had a car there hasn’t been one year where I have paid my parking registration on time. I don’t know why or what’s wrong with me but I can never find the time or the extra money to shell out for a little sticker…. Maybe that’s the issue. It’s not like I’m dropping a couple hundred on something worth anything…. I mean yeah it’s the law and all but what am I really buying…. A red sticker…. That’s only good for 12 months… it’s pointless… I already pay for the car and studied my ass off to get my license…. Why must you suck even more money out of my ever shrinking pocket book for a sticker…..? So moving forward…….

I got a parking ticket today…. From an apparently very bored cop who said hey…. Her sticker is yellow not red!!! And it’s not like its 6 months over…. its only 3…. I mean aren’t there pot heads somewhere drunk driving and selling meth to little kids that you should be looking for?  Isn’t there a donut shop that needs tending… see normally I love cops…. There’s nothing much hotter than a cop…. Ok that’s a damn lie yes there is…. Fire fighters…. Let’s just soak up that thought for a second…… soaking…… soaking……. And I’m done.

But really was it imperative to give me a ticket…. You couldn’t just leave a note on my windshield that says “hey caught ya! Fix it please”. So like I said prostitution here I come… then again I would probably get caught…. By the same cop and when he asked why I was hooking my response would be” WELL YOU GAVE ME A TICKET!! HOW ELSE AM I GONNA PAY IT!!!” you think they would let me off with a warning?

So much has really happened since my internet said bye for now; naturally it would happen like that. My life is hugely boring but the MINUTE I call and cancel my account I get a fucking ticket, I went to Disneyland with the worst people in the world, I get a new store manager, I may have an impending transfer if my inventory isn’t good enough, my cat keeps drinking from the shower and I wake up to a house full of vomit, my oda may is leaving me!!!, I kinda sorta get back with my ex,  and I suddenly start losing weight (which I can only gather is from my lack of food b/c of the lack of money).  Did you know that as long as you have butter and milk anything is possible…..

So where do I start… I guess I could start with a new post….  Not like these are going to get posted any time soon but I don’t want you all for feel neglected… fear not my minions Mama’s thinking about you…. between johns.

I was a guest speaker today at my old college. About mass merchandising for floristry. In other words my old professor likes me enough to pay me $40 and a cheeseburger to talk to her class for an hour so she doesn’t have to listen to the students talk about the same thing presentation after presentation. With my current attitude toward my employers I promised I wouldn’t be too much of a Debbi downer… what I took from this class is that I LOVE being the center of attention. I love performing and making people laugh.  Even if I make a fool out of myself. I did act at one point in time 6^th grade. It was fun. I was Dorothy in a spinoff of the wizard of OZ….  I not so gracefully fell off the stage… but jumped up and took a bow…. They never knew I wasn’t supposed to do that. In my personal opinion I’m not a good singer. Now there are sweet people who think I am…. But unless I am very comfortable with you I will not burst into song.  But if it makes you laugh, bitch please…. I’m lady Gaga. And believe you me…. I might be a big girl but this big girl has rhythm… and I can bust a move (4 years jazz dance thank you)… my shit giggles in unison. I’m not a club girl though.  The idea of having slimy guys I don’t know rubbing up on me isn’t appetizing b/c we all know what I attract….

I heard a joke the other day that said you know when you are really fat, it’s when you find yourself just sitting there watching TV and you randomly start doing crunches…. Yeah…. I do that. Fail…. It’s not that I don’t know how to diet… or that I’m whole heartedly anti diets and working out. And I’m not unhappy with my body…. I have curves… and obviously…. I use them, just not at work… I’m in lesbian garb then remember this…. b/c that outfit does nothing for me… come to think of it Pam Anderson could wear it and she would look like a lumber jack.  I was thinking about going on the 6^th grade camp diet… that would be the salad with Italian dressing…. For 3 months… nothing else. Just thinking that makes me want to vomit. I know what makes me fat…. I’m a happy eater… a very small percentage on the world is like me. When I’m sad I don’t eat. I shut down and I shed pounds like there is no tomorrow… but boy watches out… if I find myself in love, employed, in good health and in the middle of Disney season I best get out my fat jeans…. And OMG lets touch on that subject… we all know there is the lay on your back and suck it in to zip it up method. But once in those jeans and it’s usually right when they are out of the dryer! When somehow the powers that be shrink them 4 sizes. And you finally squeezed your ass into them but can’t put anything in your pockets or you know…. Bend your knees… so you have to do the squat…. And the lunge…. Maybe sit around in them for 20 minutes before the jeans mold to your ass. Yeah… that’s irritating… I guess my question is do skinny girls have this issue… I also fear losing weight because Jesus… I just might not be funny anymore. I can’t be judgmental when people don’t judge me anymore… hummm…. Maybe I could talk about how hungry I would be all the time…. I have moments where I’m sitting on the sofa and think… I should get my iPod and run a few laps… then someone sends me a facebook message….

So I’m going to reinvent myself…. I’m going to be the overweight attention seeking lady gaga who is a rebel and doesn’t renew her tags on time… I wonder if anyone will see my spanx under my latex dresses…. You and me could write a bad romance… oh wait… we already have….

So I changed the channel to FOX because Bones it coming on in 3 hours and I don’t want to miss it but currently the news is on and you know what this stupid rich skank says…. “It’s such a beautiful day; I had a hard time coming to work…” OKAY there are about 4 things wrong with this statement.

1)      She is not the weather person, your stealing the weather person’s job… they don’t have much to say… don’t steal it! Just read your little cards… I’m surprised you can read.

2)      Yes, yes it is a beautiful day… but I’m at work as are most people in the world so let’s just rub that in.

3)      She had a hard time coming to work…. Last time I checked she just sat there in her swivel chair and read off of a note card. And every 5 mins she doesn’t even have to work she sits there and doesn’t talk!! While people put more make up on her b/c we all know she’s secretly hideous. It’s not like she works retail… it’s not like she has to kiss random peoples asses all day long. Or deal with audits or paperwork. I BITE MY THUMB AT YOU LADY!! BITE MY THUMB!!

4)       And with her very “strenuous” job she was sad about coming to work at 6PM! BITCH you had the whole damn day!!! What is wrong with you?  I bet you didn’t even do anything I bet you just sat there in your hot pink Barbie house and watched the cubby Mexican lady pick up your skanky adopted daughter’s thongs while you drank and gin and tonic and looked at the pool boy wondering if you qualify to be a cougar!

I’m going to switch gears here…. Why can’t people drive? And park? I don’t get it… I didn’t pass my test 2 times and I studied my ass off and I know I’m a good safe driver but these people they cut you off when you’re driving 85 MPH! It’s like honey no matter how late you are you have more time then lives.  I find that  its always white people who cut you off white people who have stickers on their car that say “ you say bitch like it’s an insult” or “ if you can read this ur up my ass I hope you wearing a glove”… NOW NOW don’t jump my case there are particular ethnicities that take the cake on irritating things: Hispanic people have the most annoying, bratty children… I don’t get why they don’t beat them… they are of dark skin… bruises won’t show… right away… and you can always blame it on the dirt they roll around in.  as a matter of fact my mother and I were at Anna’s linens and there was this irritating child and as we turned the corner my mother says “ freaky little shit” it was amazing…. I was able to use my evil powers to channel Anna B thru my mother!  I find that Asians/ Philippine people always want to fucking barter prices…. Grandma Chinn See…. NO it’s got a hard price do I look like the swap meet? African Americans…. All I can really come up with is that the men ALWAYS look at my ass…

I feel like I have gone off in a tangent… perhaps I have, I don’t really remember this is a rant is defiantly medicated and written with extreme fatigue. But don’t you know it’s a BEAUTIFUL day out stupid rich bitch…. I’m gona go find a Mexican to roll in the mud, while a black man looks at my ass while I get cut off by a white chick, who’s meeting a phillipino who wants to barter the price of the muddy Mexican child… KKKUUUUSSSSSIIIII!!!